The fastest and slowest year of my life…

It’s crazy to think how time can pass so quickly and so very slowly at the same time. It happens with many things in our lives. Marriages that seem like yesterday are suddenly celebrating seven year anniversays (while at the same time it seems like you’ve been putting up with them for 70 years, love you Hubs). Christmas as a kid seems forever away, but as an adult it comes and suddenly six days later its like its Christmas again. Trying to start a family and feeling like a month is so long to wait to take that test, and suddenly when its time your freaking out because how has it been a month already. Grief and loss have seemed to work this way for me as well. It’s been one entire year since I lost my sweet Mama. One whole year since I saw her gorgeous smile in person, heard her say Cody Jill, had her hug me and tell me how much she loves me, been able to hug her back, touch her, talk to her. This has been the longest year of my life, but at the same time, somehow its gone by. I don’t know if it seems faster because it honestly feels like life can’t really keep going without someone so important to you in it, but it still does. Life keeps going, even with the big void you feel with someone missing from everyday things. It took months before I stopped picking up my phone every morning to text her and check on her. I still to this day hear things or have things happen and my first thought it is, “I’ve gotta tell mama about this!”, only to remember I can’t, and it breaks my heart all over again. This is a year I honest to goodness did not know, and for a time, did not care if I survived. I did though. If I can say one thing about the past year, its honestly that I survived. It wasnt, and still isn’t easy. I still cry most days. I still try to call her most days. I still send her messages on FB messenger just to feel like i’m talking to her. I still spend lots of time at her grave and talk to her just because it was the last place I saw her physical body.

This year has taught me a lot. I called mama for her opinion on everything, once I couldn’t, I became more independent and decisive out of necessity. I learned that somethings I thought I wasn’t really paying attention to or wouldn’t remember, I do. How to handle some things on my own, because she and I had to a lot with dad working out of town. I do or say things and think, that sounds just like my mama. I love those moments. I can remember her voice so clearly in those moments, and what she looked like when she would say or do them. Her life is a legacy that lives on through me and others. She touched so many, and so very many people love and miss her. It’s hard to believe i’ve survived a year without my very best friend in the entire world, but sometimes I can still feel her in things I do. I still hear her opinions on things. I remember her everytime I see a hibiscus or a hummingbird. I take peace and comfort in knowing how much better off she is now than she was when she was so sick. She is happy and whole. She kept a prayer box by her bed where she would write her prayers and then write when they were answered. In this box, I found where she had written about her cancer coming back. I wrote the answer for her, and that picture is included in this post. I pray she is happy and whole. I pray she can’t see how much we have suffered without her. I pray she is nothing but laughter and light as she worships our Savior face to face. I pray when I get there, the first thing she does is give me a huge hug and say, “I’ve been waiting for you, Cody Jill.” Cancer may have taken her earthly body, but she lost no battle. She’s with Jesus and that’s not losing any battles. Her verse through all this was Matthew 9:22 “But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.” Her faith made her whole, and even though we are still feeling the huge loss, she wasn’t whole here with us anymore.
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Mama, I love you more than all the sand in all the oceans, and I know that I’ll see you again one day. Happy first anniversary of your home going. I know its been more amazing than we can even imagine.

Love always,

Cody Jill

4 thoughts on “The fastest and slowest year of my life…

  1. Praying for you today Cody. I understand exactly how you feel. I didn’t have to watch my mother suffer like you did. She went to bed fine and woke up in heaven the day after I turned 40. I’ll never forget the last conversation we had the night of my birthday. The many first you experience in the first year of your mom being gone are hard are the hardest. The pain does get better with time. I won’t lie, life without my mother is still hard after 17 years. It does however get some easier. Please call if you ever want to talk. 256-390-5615.

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