To my loves on Mother’s Day…a note for those who are or love someone waiting…

kidney stoneLet me start by saying that Mother’s Day is not a terrible and bitter day. While those of us who have waited countless Mother’s Days to earn that title, we have those feelings and those moments throughout the day, but we still appreciate it for what it is and the fact that some of us, like me, are blessed with mother’s more incredible than we could have imagined. For those of you who don’t have your mom on Mother’s day, I cannot even begin to speak to what that level of pain must be like, but know that I love you and pray so hard that you are able to have a happy Mother’s day regardless of the pain you feel. With that said, I want to start by saying how much I freaking LOVE my Supermom and how grateful I am to have her for another Mother’s Day. She is a cancer fighting warrior, and the strongest woman I know. I have no doubt that all the strength I gained from her is one of the main reasons I have the strength to get through another Mother’s day. Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!! I love you more than all the sand in all the oceans!!!

This will by my fourth Mother’s day since we started trying to grow our family. While I assumed it would get better with time, it never seems to hurt any less. Thankfully, I am blessed with my amazing Hubs, Supermom, BFFLouise, a wonderful family, and dear friends who make my life so much better. Not to mention my two gorgeous and perfect God-Daughter’s and loads of family & friends kiddos that I love with all my heart!! If you don’t have a strong backbone of family and friends to help you through days like Mother’s day, or any other days that are just tough days, please please please reach out to me. I would love to be able to be that for you and help you through things that no one should have to face alone!! Know that you are loved by me!! 

I just wanted to offer some advice today to those who are dealing with infertility that maybe you’d like to share with those around you that may not know exactly what to do to help you through tough days like Mother’s day. So, to those who have a loved one dealing with infertility or miscarriage or whatever else may make this Mother’s day a difficult one, here a few do’s & don’ts to remember on this day…

As well-meaning as it may be…don’t offer advice.  While we appreciate the thought of you wanting to help us by telling us what might help or what to try or how it’ll happen in the right time or if we “just relax” (by the way, we seriously want to throat punch the next person who tells us to relax and let it happen…just being honest). On days like Mother’s day, it really doesn’t make us feel any better. It can make us feel like we are really the cause because we aren’t doing something right or are doing something wrong. We have doctors who give us advice, and well-meaning strangers who have no idea what it is to deal with infertility on a daily basis, so from our loved ones on this day, advice is not necessary. While nothing you can say will take away what we are feeling, just telling those struggling how much you love them helps. Tell them how you are praying earnestly for them. Tell them that you don’t understand either, and that you know it’s difficult and unfair. Validate their feelings, because Lord knows we all feel like jerks when it’s hard to be happy on a day that should be a happy one for most people.

Don’t ignore the tears you see us trying to hide or the pain we are struggling to conceal. While those of us struggling are not trying to gain attention or take away attention from the mothers being celebrated, we also don’t want to be treated like others are afraid to come near us because of the struggle. Give those ladies a hug, squeeze their shoulder as you walk by, grab their hand and tell them you love them. Give their husbands a big pat on the back and let them know you love them and know they struggle too. A little touch and some love goes a long way when you feel all alone on a battlefield.

Don’t assume we want to avoid you on Mother’s day…or that we don’t mean it when we tell you happy mother’s day and that we love you. Those who know me should know that I personally wouldn’t tell you if I didn’t mean it. Don’t think just because we are sad or upset that we don’t see what a happy day this is for others, or that we can’t appreciate the wonderful mother’s of kids they allow us to love as our own. I have several wonderful friends and family members with amazing kiddos that I love unconditionally. When I tell you that I love you and wish you a Happy Mother’s day, please know that I mean it. That I adore you and your babies that you share with the Hubs and I. That without you being a great mommy and sharing your babies with us, we would miss out completely on happy moments with kids since we don’t have our own.

Don’t be afraid to wish us happy mother’s day or feel bad if you do without thinking. While we may not yet be mother’s officially, we know today is a day where every woman in the country will be told happy mother’s day, regardless of their mother status. It’s ok. Don’t feel bad or apologize. I feel like a mother to my 30 kiddos I am blessed to love on everyday at school. I feel like a mother to my precious babies of friends and family members that share their babies with the Hubs and I. It’s just a phrase that all say to women on this day, so don’t freak out or feel bad or start apologizing if you say that to a woman struggling with infertility. We understand, and it’s ok.

This last don’t is for those ladies who haven’t been privileged to receive the “mommy” title yet…don’t feel like less if you are not ok today. I have said if before, and I will say it again. It is ok to not be ok. Days like Mother’s day are hard, and those that love you will understand and appreciate the pain you feel. It’s ok to not know exactly how to feel, or to have bitter moments. It’s ok to be so happy for others while feeling like your own happiness is so far out of reach. It’s ok to not want to put yourself in positions to cause you more pain…church, family gatherings, going out to eat where all mother’s will be out being celebrated. It is ok to not be ok. Just don’t live there. Have your moment, moments, hours, breakdowns, tears, hurt, questions, whatever you need to have, and then go on to the next thing. Just remember that whether you are ready for it or not, the sun is going to come up tomorrow for a new day, and while it may not be a day with leaps and bounds of progress for you, or the day you finally get what you have been hoping for, it is a new day. A day you can decide to be ok for. A day with a new set of challenges, but also new opportunities for love, hope, and growth.

Know, sweet mama, (because regardless of whether or not you have birthed or adopted a child, the love you feel for something you don’t even have yet makes you a mama) that you are loved by me, and you are prayed for by me, and that whatever you are feeling is and has been felt by me also. You are not alone, and you are not less because of something you don’t have yet. I hope and pray you find some happiness and joy on this Mother’s day, and that you remember that regardless of whether or not you have a child who calls you mom, you have the heart of a mother, or this would not be as difficult as it is for you. So, Happy Mother’s Day, sweet mama, and remember you are loved!

From the bottom of my heart,

Cody ♥†